Omg

I’m drunk. Its only like 11pm on a Thursday. I feel guilty for not writing enough Blog posts. I’m lying in my bed and when I try to type so.wyimes .y screen turns sideways and I’m like WTF I WANT TK WRITE RIGJT SIDE UP. wow this is not gonna be enough for a blog post but ykniw what I feel like even if you posted this as a blog post it would be fun cause people would belike wow that girl was so drunk. And sometimes you get really drunk voicemails so WHY NOT DRUNK BLOG PSTS WHATEVER NAWMSAYIN

*We received this email at 10:06pm on Thursday January 24th*

My Top 6 Most Feared/Hated Animals

I’m not a naturalist, but I love animals. I got to my late 20’s and just wanted to know everything about them. So I’ve watched countless TV shows and read lots to learn all that I can. They’re fascinating and strange and scary and beautiful. I don’t particularly fear a lot of them, certainly not the popular phobia-inducing spiders. Just wary because of my respect for them. In Florida, there are some big buggers colloquially known as banana spiders, and they are huge! But not venomous and pretty much just sit there all day catching dumb bugs so they can gorge themselves silly at night. However! There are some fucking nasty, horrible and dirty bastard animals out there. And here are the top 6 little shits:

African Armoured Cricket:

This little absolute wanker is a cricket who has developed a taste for flesh. It’s about 5cm (2″) long and basically crawls into birds nest and eats the chicks. It has sharp spikes all over itself and can fall out of huge trees, get up and just go climb another tree to eat whatever it finds. Dirty, little, shit.

Scorpions:

All of them. They are stupidly terrifying looking, and have not 1, but 2 forms of attack. Not content with stinging you pretty much to death with its “jabber”; it can also pinch you really hard with its claws. Oh and some of them glow in the fucking dark. What the fuck is that about?!

Stonefish:

So, let’s have a lovely little paddle in the surf to cool our feet… “Ouch!!! Jellyfish sting!!!” Oh no my friend, that ain’t no jellyfish sting, it’s much, much worse. In about 10 minutes you’ll be wanting to have your leg cut off it hurts so bad. This miserable little creature sits around doing nothing, and when you get near it, it pops up its spine that injects venom. And it really, really hurts. Sometimes to death. In its defence, it injects venom proportional to the amount of pressure applied to it, so it’s another way of evolution sorting out the fat people I suppose.

Shithead parasite (I hate it so much, I will not give it the courtesy of looking up its proper name):

This is a parasite gets into a fish. Nasty already, but it gets worse. In order for it to make more parasites and live on, it needs to be in a warmer environment. So it attacks the central nervous system of the fish and makes it effectively commit suicide by jumping out the water, whence it will be eaten by some poor unsuspecting bird, e.g. a Heron. And in its new warmer environment it thrives. Wanker.

Humbolt Squid:

It attacks people just through sheer audacity. It’s got bioluminescence and glows red when it’s angry. And it has a beak. A BEAK!?!?! Seriously! Google image that shit. I will not post a link to it, because it makes my head tingle… and not in a good way.

Chihuahua:

Because, well, you know. What’s the fucking point?

Mini Movie Reviews!

Here are three miniature movie reviews. All of them are streaming on Netflix right now, so go check them out!

Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry (2012)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dtfeh6a01c

This is a really awesome documentary looking into the life of Ai Weiwei, a Chinese artist and social and political activist. Not only do you get a behind-the-scenes look into his art shows, you also get to see how he really sticks it to “The (Chinese) Man.” This is a dude who really hates the current political state of his country and is not afraid to say whatever he wants. It’s a super interesting and educational film exploring a true artist’s life in a country that is holding everyone else back.

8.5/10

Bellflower (2011)

Bellflower is a film that premiered at Sundance in 2011. Written and directed by Evan Glodell, it is an engrossing and visually compelling low-budget film. It is split into many chapters and the narrative structure is all over the place, yet it works extremely well. It’s about two best friends (both obsessed with Mad Max) who are in the process of making a flamethrower and a badass, souped-up muscle car for the possible future apocalypse. Throw in a love story and you’ve got the basics of Bellflower. It’s a super strange film, but it’s one that you can’t take your eyes off of.

8/10

The Tall Man (2012)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_QqA0sDMec

This is a film written and directed by Pascal Laugier. If that name isn’t ringing any bells, he directed a French/Canadian film called Martyrs that came out in 2008. It is easily one of the most disturbing films I have ever seen. So, going into The Tall Man, I was expecting to be grossed out. Instead, I was surprised to find an extremely dense and suspenseful mystery.

Looking at the poster and watching the trailer, it was obviously marketed as a horror film, yet it really isn’t a horror film at all. There is maybe one sequence filled with a few “pop out” parts, but other than that, The Tall Man is an engaging, satisfying, and surprising mystery film. Starring Jessica Biel, the film is about a town where children are constantly disappearing, thought to be taken by a mysterious entity the townspeople call the “Tall Man.” You may think you know where the film is going, but you don’t. I can understand why many people don’t like this movie, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.

7.5/10

Upcycle

I spent the day as a picker! My grandparents are hoarders, no joke. They have multiple garages that they built to store all their things. I told my grandma that I wanted some nicer furniture for my house, so we went through all of her things and we came across an old bedroom set that she has had in storage for 40 + years. She bought it at an auction for my mom when she was little, but they never gave it to her. The set had a vanity that we turned into 2 night stands because the mirror was broken and beyond repair. We sanded it all down, varnished it, and painted each piece a different color 🙂 I also came across a really awesome old trunk that belonged to my great grandmother, the date inside the trunk says 1902. I also found a box full of old mason jars, as well as my new dining room table and chairs 🙂 Not only was this day amazing to spend going through old family things, it was amazing because I got to spend time with my Grandma and Grandpa who mean the world to me.

*Pictures after the jump!*
Continue reading