Some days you are just too hungover to do anything but move from your bed to the couch with your computer… Today is one of those days. From time to time these days will come along and I usually spend them creeping on Facebook or shopping online. I was clicking back and forth between these two activities when I saw a hilarious picture that a former professor of mine posted this morning with no explanation or description.

This professor is a good friend, a very talented woman, and she randomly takes creepy doll photos… Clearly, I respect her. My mind is somewhat muddled from last night’s alcohol adventures and this was my comment on the photo,

“Awwwww! So cute it makes me wish I could have a doll of my own, and I don’t mean I want to buy one, I mean I want to give birth to it. (Not a real child, but a real child doll).”

I read my comment after I’d posted it and it really got me thinking… About doll birth. I started thinking about real birth for a minute but I got too disgusted so I started imagining how awesome it would be if I had a dream that I was in labor and it turned out to be a doll, one of those lifelike baby dolls. It would be the sort of dream that would make me laugh myself awake. The more I thought about it, the stranger I started to feel about baby dolls. Is it normal to see anyone holding a fake baby? Is it normal for a little girl to own and care for one while pretending to be a Mother at age four? Is this legit? Why are people doing it? When I was a kid I never had one that I cared about, I’m sure they were given to me but I didn’t want them, and I never played with Barbies. I guess I didn’t grow up with a nurturing instinct, at least not an instinct to nurture a fake rubbery plastic baby. I can’t remember thinking about having a family of my own, I always just saw myself as an adult without any of the normal stuff. I specifically remember once planning my wedding with a friend when I was in 8th grade. We were on a trip to the beach and we wrote all of our wishes down and planned to get married together when we turned TWENTY FOUR. That friend ended up getting married at 22. I’m 27 and single. It’s the way I’d prefer it… I bet she had babydolls. The closest I’ve ever come was my collection of Scarlett O’Hara Barbies from Gone With the Wind. I have all of them, and they never came out of the box, except to be displayed in my living room in college… As a joke.

In these circumstances of blind curiosity, I go to YouTube for answers. I searched “doll birth.” What came up in the results are some of the most mind-boggling videos I have ever seen, and I have included the best of the worst for you here:

The first video that caused my mouth to flop open and stay that way was a video where a woman demonstrates a “get up and dance” birthing technique. She pretends to be pregnant with a doll wrapped in a sheet or shirt around her waist and proceeds to stand up and bounce and sway until it falls out. Exactly how a birth would go, it’s not painful enough to need to lie on your back. Nevermind the fact that she’s NOT pregnant. I’ve never been pregnant, and hopefully never will be, but the thought of it is horrible enough to cause me to need to lie down instead of thinking about it. So… If anyone is pregnant, try this. SHE MAKES IT LOOK SO EASY!

Vertical Birth Demonstration (they use a doll, it’s not a real gross baby, you can handle it.)

As I was researching this, I remembered hearing about a doll that gives birth. I found it!

It’s called the MamAmor doll. According to their website:

“MamAmor dolls are birthing, breastfeeding and babywearing cloth dolls. Each one is handcrafted with love and attention to detail. MamAmor dolls are very unique, and like real mamas, they are all different….They are recommended for ages 3 and older, but with adult supervision, they can be used in play with younger children as well.”

Take a look at this video, think about a three year old seeing it, and you tell me whether or not it’s appropriate. Although that isn’t the real question here… I’m all about telling kids the truth instead of making up a story about a stork, but there’s something about this that is just…Wrong. I can’t quite put my finger on it, and I wouldn’t want to. All I know is that I don’t like it, and these Youtube videos are weird.

MamAmor Doll, the doll that gives birth.

As I clicked around through these videos I started to see a ridiculous number of videos of little girls acting out a birth scenario with Barbies. All I can say about this is that I don’t understand. I don’t get how a six or eight year old girl knows enough about birthing scenarios to act one out with a Barbie. I was going to include one here, but it’s actually painful to watch and extremely irritating. So look it up on your own if you feel the need. I warn you, it’s hard to turn one off and you will hate yourself while you watch it.

By far the most disturbing thing I found is a British documentary called My Fake Baby that aired sometime in 2008 on UK Channel 4. I came upon a few clips from the documentary, which I’d already seen back in 2008 because I’m an extreme UK television nerd. Back then, I felt the same way I do now about babies and fake-babies alike, but this takes the cake as far as baby dolls go. These adults buy fake babies and actually take them out in public as if they’re real. It looks so fucking creepy. Something is totally wrong with these people, THEY PUT THE BABY IN THE OVEN TO HEAT IT UP SO IT FEELS REAL. I just… Can’t. See for yourself.

My Fake Baby intro

I think that whether or not you had a baby doll as a child can affect the way you think about children in general and how you may see yourself as a mother once you grow up, but I think everyone can agree that Reborns are gross, and insane.

I just made my 17-year-old cousin, and former baby doll obsessor, watch this video and her comment was:

“WHAT THE HECK? THAT’S FREAKIN JACKED!”

…Said Courtney, the girl who used to love a one-armed baby doll.