I’m not a naturalist, but I love animals. I got to my late 20’s and just wanted to know everything about them. So I’ve watched countless TV shows and read lots to learn all that I can. They’re fascinating and strange and scary and beautiful. I don’t particularly fear a lot of them, certainly not the popular phobia-inducing spiders. Just wary because of my respect for them. In Florida, there are some big buggers colloquially known as banana spiders, and they are huge! But not venomous and pretty much just sit there all day catching dumb bugs so they can gorge themselves silly at night. However! There are some fucking nasty, horrible and dirty bastard animals out there. And here are the top 6 little shits:
African Armoured Cricket:
This little absolute wanker is a cricket who has developed a taste for flesh. It’s about 5cm (2″) long and basically crawls into birds nest and eats the chicks. It has sharp spikes all over itself and can fall out of huge trees, get up and just go climb another tree to eat whatever it finds. Dirty, little, shit.
All of them. They are stupidly terrifying looking, and have not 1, but 2 forms of attack. Not content with stinging you pretty much to death with its “jabber”; it can also pinch you really hard with its claws. Oh and some of them glow in the fucking dark. What the fuck is that about?!
So, let’s have a lovely little paddle in the surf to cool our feet… “Ouch!!! Jellyfish sting!!!” Oh no my friend, that ain’t no jellyfish sting, it’s much, much worse. In about 10 minutes you’ll be wanting to have your leg cut off it hurts so bad. This miserable little creature sits around doing nothing, and when you get near it, it pops up its spine that injects venom. And it really, really hurts. Sometimes to death. In its defence, it injects venom proportional to the amount of pressure applied to it, so it’s another way of evolution sorting out the fat people I suppose.
Shithead parasite (I hate it so much, I will not give it the courtesy of looking up its proper name):
This is a parasite gets into a fish. Nasty already, but it gets worse. In order for it to make more parasites and live on, it needs to be in a warmer environment. So it attacks the central nervous system of the fish and makes it effectively commit suicide by jumping out the water, whence it will be eaten by some poor unsuspecting bird, e.g. a Heron. And in its new warmer environment it thrives. Wanker.
It attacks people just through sheer audacity. It’s got bioluminescence and glows red when it’s angry. And it has a beak. A BEAK!?!?! Seriously! Google image that shit. I will not post a link to it, because it makes my head tingle… and not in a good way.
Because, well, you know. What’s the fucking point?