Worst Human #2 [Black Friday Edition]

My mom is always excited to see me around the holidays. I live one town over but my school and work schedule makes it difficult to stay connected. So when we do finally find time to meet up, my mom likes to go on adventures. In the evening of Thanksgiving this year, we found ourselves at a Walmart as part of the pre-Black Friday insanity.

My mom decided she wanted to get Brave on blu-ray for cheap, so she was willing to enter the frenzy for a movie. Initially I wasn’t going to tag along, but I found myself curious just how bad it would be. It was worse than I anticipated.

Roughly thirty minutes after the store opened we arrived to a completely full parking lot. Cars were double-parked in red zones, shittily parked so people couldn’t get in or out and there were even a few on the sidewalks. In short, zero fucks were given. Once I got inside it was just a sea of cliché Walmart shoppers. It was just everyone from the People of Walmart website at the same time (http://www.peopleofwalmart.com).

I’m usually pretty good in crowds as a frequent concertgoer, but this collection of people was unbearable. Most people either still smelled strongly of Thanksgiving food, while others just straight up smelled like stress sweat and BO. And in this smelly crowd, people just kept their eyes on whatever dumb thing they wanted and shoved through people to get to it.

I’m surprised that any Black Friday shoppers found anything they were looking for. It was clear that there was a plan in place to enable customers to find the products they wanted, but this system was destroyed by the time we got there. Employees were clearly at wit’s end from all of this. A customer wanted to know where some item was and a floor clerk said, “Girl, I don’t know where the fuck anything is anymore! Some bitch just asked me the same thing.”

My mom decided that we should get my dad Black Ops, so I was sent to wait in a line for the game case that wrapped around the electronic section. Lucky for me, right behind me in line was a very impatient woman who was clearly a Black Friday veteran. I saw her minutes before in a completely different section cutting through people with ease and snatching up movies as people were reaching for them. She came with a plan that night. Having to wait in line was not in her plan nor was it something she did well. As the line slowly moved, she tried to get on her toes and look over people to see the game case. From where we were, you could be on a ladder and still not see it, but she remained persistent. Every few minutes she’d be on the phone with the someone complaining about their respective line experience at different Walmarts. While on her phone, she seemed unable to control the four Furbys that she held in her hand. They would either rub my ass (which felt a little nice), or she would jam the corners into my back. My final experience with her before getting the game and getting the hell out of there, was when she began to have a coughing fit for no reason. I felt the hair on the back of my head move and I realized that her hands were full so there was no way that she was covering her mouth. That lady, worst human.

I call her the worst human only because I was the direct subject of her Black Friday stupidity, but the entire crowd was made of people like her. To my knowledge, no one was hurt at my local Walmart over the past few days, but it’s all still such a bummer. The Pre-Christmas shopping season is now a part of Thanksgiving Day. If this is something that remains constant and stores open earlier and earlier to outdo one another, Thanksgiving will be taken over completely. It will become a day of people decided if they are going to stay in and enjoy the Thanksgiving tradition they have created with their families, or ditch these families to a cheap TV.

No deal is worth having to put up with those shopper types, to me anyway. My mom did succeed in getting Brave, but if this text conveys her feelings at all, I don’t think she felt it was worth it either.

Black Thursday

My name is Zach S, I was on the second episode in Nice Man history, and it was terrid. This is my first blog post, and it is a rant.

Today is Thanksgiving, one of the few times a year that everyone makes it home to see family and friends and spend time together. The day after is known to be the beginning of the holiday shopping season – and this is all great and fun, until now.

Just a few years ago, Black Friday sales would start early, like 7am early. And this was a lot of fun; I would often get up real early and go with Brian, Zach, and whoever else. We would go get McDonald’s breakfast (maybe the best part) and head out for a fun morning of seeing interesting people and maybe buy a flash drive or a CD for five dollars.

However, this has moved up year after year to 5am, 12am, and now the major retailers like Sears, Target, and Walmart are opening at 8PM on Thursday!!!

Now of course retailers need to be competitive, one of the great freedoms of capitalism. But it is just unbelievable to me that millions of people are forced to work in stores across America, and millions more go shopping this early on the night of Thanksgiving. My mom works at a retail store and she has to go work at 11:30pm to 7am tonight. Yes, she will be home for Thanksgiving dinner, but still, this is ridiculous. All of this so some asshole can beat the next guy to get a 32” LED TV for $299.

Yes, our culture has become so materialistic that people are skipping family holidays like Thanksgiving to go buy stuff. My point isn’t that people shouldn’t buy stuff. Stuff is cool, I love stuff. My point isn’t that Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday, celebrating the raping and pillaging of thousands of Native Americans (which could be a whole other rant). But when Black Friday has become Black Thursday, and encroaches upon one of the biggest family holidays of the year, that is what I have a problem with. What’s next year? 5pm store openings?

The worst part is that there is no one really to blame. Maybe partially the fault of the strategic decisions of retail executives. Maybe partially the materialistic culture Americans have come to embrace. But I urge you people, enjoy your family and friends while everyone is together this holiday, and maybe skip the $2.99 blu-ray discs this year.