I think we were both going to pretend to be asleep, but I made this face instead? 2010, NYC.
My Friend, John David
John David is a 27-year-old man living in Brooklyn, NY. I’ve known him for twenty-one years! As kids we had our own kingdom that spanned over an entire apartment complex! We had outdoor thrones that jutted out of an embankment over a creek and we called them The Crows’ Nests. We built forts, ate cupcakes for breakfast, and kept up with Captain Planet together. We had all of the same Academically Gifted classes with each other, then would go to Odyssey of the Mind or the after school program where we would impose the rules of our gang onto others and terrorize the adults until one of our mothers would pick us up. It seems like maybe we’d eat dinner at our own apartments before meeting up afterwards and running around outside until it got dark, or if it got dark early we’d change the words to Billy Ray Cyrus songs from “me,” to “pee,” and then sometimes even have a sleepover. Rinse, and repeat for several years… Until my mom got remarried and we moved 45 minutes away. As a child, that is SO FAR AWAY! Our parents rarely made the commute for us to see each other and we lost touch…
Some days you are just too hungover to do anything but move from your bed to the couch with your computer… Today is one of those days. From time to time these days will come along and I usually spend them creeping on Facebook or shopping online. I was clicking back and forth between these two activities when I saw a hilarious picture that a former professor of mine posted this morning with no explanation or description.
This professor is a good friend, a very talented woman, and she randomly takes creepy doll photos… Clearly, I respect her. My mind is somewhat muddled from last night’s alcohol adventures and this was my comment on the photo,
“Awwwww! So cute it makes me wish I could have a doll of my own, and I don’t mean I want to buy one, I mean I want to give birth to it. (Not a real child, but a real child doll).”
I was probably a bit delirious-and definitely stoned-when I walked into a popular 24 hour coffee shop and bakery. I brought my laptop in, ordered a hot lemon and ginger tea and a couple of snacks, and went to sit down in a comfortable looking chair. This chair was situated along with another chair opposite a couch, with a coffee table between them. The couch and other chair backed up to a wall… But my chair’s back was to another table in a fairly high traffic area of the shop. As soon as I sat down I wanted to get up and move to the other chair, but I didn’t want to look stupid. I don’t know why I thought it would look stupid, as if someone was going to observe this and lean to their companion and whisper, “Hey. Look at that idiot. She can’t decide which chair she wants to sit in.”
After a minute or two I decide to move, but as I start to get up and go to the other chair some stranger comes to my little corner and asks if anyone is sitting there. “No, go ahead,” I say. He looks relieved and sits down. This man seemed to be about 37 years old, he was probably six feet tall and he had a big beer belly. It made me gag on the inside, which I know sounds mean… But I don’t care, you can’t help what kind of people give you a gag on the inside. It was as disgusting as seeing a raw hot dog… A raw hot dog gut gag. He had a big face and looked like his name was Matt.
Matt had on khaki cargo shorts, some nondescript graphic tee, and boat shoes. His skin was so pale it was almost pink, and he had a bald head. Fuck. I was already irritated at my positioning in the furniture and now I had to sit beside Matt. He plugs his headphones into his laptop, places them upon his wide, round head, and starts to listen to music. I can hear it, too. We all can. His headphones are not plugged all the way into the jack on his laptop and he has no idea. He only knows that he just plugged headphones in and he can now hear the shitty Zero7-meets-Meatloaf bullshit he’s jamming down hard on. A few other people notice but no one says anything. I just try not to look at him.
“Yeah, I just hit her in the face, now turn around like you didn’t see it! This movie is airing on the Lifetime Movie Network! No one here cares until it’s too late… NO ONE!” I’m just assuming that’s what Kevin Arnold’s (ahem…Fred Savage’s) character is thinking right now, as he stares down his wrestling coach harder than Honey Boo Boo’s mother chugs a hotdog.
One of the best things about television is the Lifetime Movie Network. Providing hours of entertainment about loser husbands, abusive boyfriends, and occasionally rerunning Erin Brockovich so we womenfolk feel somewhat sated in our quest for truly knowing our own power and strength. Or… If you’re me, something to half-watch while I smoke pot, paint my nails, and laugh at the past lives of present celebrities… And vice versa.
I was stoned at work the other day while hanging out with the electricians on set and talking about someone’s teeth, I don’t remember whose, but I started laughing and I said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if fish and birds had teeth that were like tiny human teeth?” I was just standing there giggling and imagining it and my friend Nick said, “Fish do have teeth.”
“I know,” I said. “But they’re like those little grubby nodular things, they aren’t real bone teeth, and they aren’t shaped like human teeth.” Nick said, “No, there are fish with human-shaped teeth.”
Anyone could have misheard this statement to mean teeth that were shaped like humans, or shaped like the teeth of humans, or any number of things but what I heard was, “No, there are fish with human-sheep teeth.” “Sheep do have teeth,” I say. Nick looks at me like I’m crazy and tells me, “No, they don’t have sheep teeth, they have teeth like humans.” I still think he’s talking about sheep but I get called away to do actual work and run off.
About an hour later I start searching, “sheep teeth,” on my phone. I found out that not only do sheep have teeth (I knew it!), but that they only have them on the bottom…and they do look like human teeth. So I text this picture to Nick and I type in, “SHEEP DO HAVE TEETH!”