Omg

I’m drunk. Its only like 11pm on a Thursday. I feel guilty for not writing enough Blog posts. I’m lying in my bed and when I try to type so.wyimes .y screen turns sideways and I’m like WTF I WANT TK WRITE RIGJT SIDE UP. wow this is not gonna be enough for a blog post but ykniw what I feel like even if you posted this as a blog post it would be fun cause people would belike wow that girl was so drunk. And sometimes you get really drunk voicemails so WHY NOT DRUNK BLOG PSTS WHATEVER NAWMSAYIN

*We received this email at 10:06pm on Thursday January 24th*

Eat This! Appetizers for Dummies

 

 

No actual cooking involved!

Lately, I’ve been trying to learn how to cook more things. But cooking is hard! So fuck cooking. Make cold food!

If you’re going to a potluck or you’re hosting some sort of gathering in your nest, you should totally get with these super easy little hors d’oeuvres. I don’t know if that’s the right term for these but, in any case, they make awesome snacks! I spent less than 15 bucks for all the ingredients and you only need a bit of each ingredient to make these. I’m not sure what to call them and I don’t know if this recipe already exists somewhere (I got it from my old roommate), but essentially they’re bite-size baguette slices topped with cream cheese, roasted red peppers and capers.

Ingredients:

  • roasted garlic cream cheese (or just regular cream cheese, whatever)
  • roasted red peppers (in a jar… depending on the size of them and how many snacks you want to make, you should only need a few peppers)
  • some sort of french baguette
  • capers (these also come in a jar and you can probably find them for cheap)

Process:

  • Slice the baguette into pieces about 1/2 inch thick.
  • Spread some cream cheese on each one.
  • Take some roasted red peppers out of the jar and cut them into small strips.
  • Put the peppers strips on top of each piece of the baguette.
  • Put 4 or 5 capers on top of the pepper strips on each piece of the baguette.
  • And done!

Literally the easiest and most delicious snacks ever. Plus they’re colourful and pleasant to look at!

Enjoy!

Things Old People Have

HAPPY NEW YEAR, NICE GUYS AND GALS! I hope you all had a beautiful holiday!

I got a couple of weeks off between semesters and I spent a good chunk of my break cleaning out an old person’s basement. OMG FUN! It was actually super fun. Not even being sarcastic. I love looking through old people’s shit.

Basically, my mother’s best friend is this wicked old Indian dude (don’t ask how that happened) and he lives in the house right next door to my mother’s house. I don’t think I should give his real name so let’s just call him OldNiceMan. Recently, OldNiceMan had a pretty bad stroke (duh, he’s like 300 years old) and he has become slower and lost some of his eyesight. So, my mother asked me to go through his basement and clear out any junk and basically put everything away into boxes because he can’t do it anymore.

This is what I found when I got down there:

WHAT THE FUCK? HOW MUCH STUFF CAN ONE NICE MAN HAVE?!

I guess it’s pretty much the result of accumulating everything under the sun for 76 years. And that’s only one corner of the basement!

After working for 8 hours straight I had accomplished this:

Not bad, eh? I was pretty freakin’ proud of myself. I spent the next 3 days working in that damp, dark, cold basement, listening to 90’s R’n’B interspersed with some Sam Cooke and dancing and screaming along to the songs while I cleaned. Even though it was backbreaking work, I actually had a BLAST doing it. The best part was going through the weird ancient stuff he had.

*Continue reading to go on a photographic adventure!*

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Popcorn TV is the Worst Show on Television

NO SERIOUSLY. What is up with this show?

What does “popcorn TV” even mean and why do they act like they’re going to show us funny videos and then just DON’T?!

Sorry. I’ll explain. Popcorn TV is this show that pretends to be America’s Funniest Home Videos (best) mixed with a hidden camera gags show (worst). If you’re not familiar with a little show I like to call A-F-V, I suggest you don’t even bother because YouTube is better.

I’m watching Popcorn TV as I write this because I recorded it to watch it later because I watch really bad TV even when I have the option not to.

In Popcorn TV, just like in AFV the videos are all introduced by the always morbidly unfunny host or clown or whatever, ________________. I have no idea what his name is. He’s the least memorable whatever he is that there ever was.

Remember Bob Saget’s super awkward years of hosting AFV? It seemed like he completely hated that job and that’s why he was totally the best at it. He used to read the worst jokes off the teleprompter and laugh and go “who wrote this stuff?” What’s Bob Saget doing these days? Wouldn’t it be funny if he made a home video and sent it in to AFV and they didn’t even play it because, unlike the idiot producers over at Popcorn TV, they actually watched it first and realized that Bob Saget is the dullest human being ever and no one wants to watch him eat grapes?

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Hip Hop Squares

On Tuesdays at 11pm, tune in to the show that will remind you you’re living in the craziest century yet: HIP HOP SQUARES. Yes, that’s right. A spin on the once popular Hollywood Squares. You remember that show, right? It’s essentially tic-tac-toe (literal worst game ever) except in this version there’s a celebrity in each square. The celebrities get asked trivia questions and they can either give the right or wrong answer. The contestants must correctly agree or disagree with the celebrities in order to get the square.

Hip Hop Squares is ridiculous. It takes that concept and inserts hip hop stars (plus Vinny from The Jersey Shore) into the squares.

I was so taken aback when I saw this for the first time. Now I am more confused about the world than ever before. See, I had a pretty specific understanding of rap/hip-hop culture before watching this show. While the whole rap aesthetic has become crazy popular, I always understood it as still sitting on the margins of the mainstream. Well, specifically, it bothers me somewhat that Method Man takes centre square. Method Man?! He’s the equivalent to Whoopi Goldberg?!?! It’s so strange to me that rap culture—something that used to be so antiestablishment and oppositional—has become appropriated by this weird commercial game show culture.

So, my first thought was “man, Method Man is such a sell out”, but then I remembered that this happened: http://www.complex.com/music/2011/10/video-method-man-raps-in-a-sour-patch-kids-commercial

Method Man raps in a Sour Patch Kids commercial.

What the fuck, Method Man? I especially love how there’s a warning before the commercial saying “May contain content inappropriate for children”. In a kids’ candy commercial.

In addition to fogging up my happy memories of listening to Wu Tang, the show features another 90s hip-hop star who shouldn’t ever show his face on TV again: Biz Markie. He is a FUCKING WHALE. Have you guys seen Biz Markie lately? I mean I know he was always fat and strange, but now he’s fatter and stranger. And all of these rap stars are basically equated with Vinny from The Jersey Shore, who, obviously, is the hero of our generation. This is all so pathetic!

I guess there’s not much point to this except to say that I miss the days when people who opposed “the system” remained outside of it. I guess it’s just a case of classic cultural appropriation. The mainstream will eat up anything that stands in its way.

Am I a hipster jackass for being upset by this? Probably. But if pointing out the absurdity of contemporary Western culture is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT TV

Every weekday when my boyfriend goes to work I spend hours watching TV. Sometimes I go to class, but most of the time I think it’s more important to see what’s #1 on Today’s Top Ten Youth Anthems on Much Music (that’s Canada-speak for MTV). Today’s #1 Youth Anthem, by the way, was that song by those guys. I don’t know what it’s called but I know you know the one.  Toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Weeeee Aaaaare Yooooooooung. SO LET’S SET THE WORLD ON FIIIIIRRRREE …

It’s a really really good song, guys. The lyrics are so impassioned and those guys have such good haircuts.

Anyway, I’ve decided to put my pathetic TV addiction to use! Women’s razor commercials just fascinate me to the extent that I feel inspired to take notes as I watch and conduct super smart analyses just like they dun teached me at University of Canada.

This past semester I’ve been taking a (crazy awesome) course called Theorizing the Spectator. It’s a typical cultural studies class. It deals mostly with cinema spectatorship, but lately we’ve been talking a lot about TV. Well basically I guess I’ve been inspired to take some notes of my own about my experience of and relationship with that sweet temptress that is television.

Unfortunately, we only have 58 channels, many of which are either repeats or completely French/Quebecois. We are totally being raaaaaped by the cable people who gave us literally the worst cable for literally the most money. In other words, I get to watch the wooooorst things on TV and those are the things I’m going to write about. I’m sure most of my notes will consist of bashing girls in music videos who have better bods than me (i.e., sluts) and probably also some crying about how all the good cartoons are on the French channels and dubbed in French. UGH!

I’ll try to write an article or something about once a week at least or maybe once a day or whatever I have no idea because I am not good with Excel and I do not have a schedule.

Will anyone besides RandomIan understand what I mean when I say Don Cherry talks way too loud and has the ugliest dog ever? Who knows? I just know that I want to write some nonsense about some crappy TV shows and post them on the Nice Man blog.

Hope this goes well! What an exciting and hopefully attainable goal! 😀