Worst Human #5

Apparently the city bus experience includes ruined baby faces.

As someone who rides public transportation on a regular basis in a large city…I see some strange stuff. In fact, just last week I saw a drunk older lady who wore fake Uggs that reeked of beer get on the bus and shove people out of her way to the back. She could not stay still and would constantly switch seats. She carried a bag with her and in it was candy (I think it was Valentine’s Day) and water guns. She tossed both those things at commuters only to pick them up herself not long after. She even threatened people by pointing the water guns at them. Luckily they weren’t armed. One moment she would be kind and offer the candy in her bag by throwing it at you…the next she’d be telling you she’ll kick your ass for no reason. I was at point blank range when all this occurred. How do you lessen your chances of being collateral damage from shit like this? Try to avoid eye contact. Luckily, it worked.

However, none of that was as disgusting and strange as today in a long time. An older man got on the bus. He was pulling one of those suitcases with the rollers on them. He moved towards the back but refused to sit down. The buses here in the back have two seats in a row. He stood to the side of them with his back facing me. Over the course of my ride I heard him cough numerous times. Okay, so maybe he was sick. Not too uncommon in the winter months. Then he started doing those windup coughs where you make that very unpleasant sound at the back of your throat before spitting. Spit he did. I could hear it all but couldn’t see him well since his back was to me and there were people in between us. I heard that a few times. Okay, so he’s probably covering his mouth with tissue like people do on the bus. NOPE. As we all got to the last stop people started getting off. I got a better view of him. He did another windup cough, “HHAAAAHCK” and then a “TUUUU”. Spit he did…except now I saw that he was not spitting into a tissue. He moved away to get off the bus…revealing what his body was covering from my view. He spat ALL OVER those two seats he was standing next to. I got up to get off as well and had to walk pass that horror! It was the most rude and disgusting thing I’ve sen in real life in a LONG TIME. JFC. You, sir…are the WORST HUMAN.

Good fucking day

Worst Human #4

Since I was dying of thirst, I decided to go to an ABC store next to Waikiki beach. Now, if you know anything about Waikiki, it’s that 1: it is infested with Asian tourists, and 2: it is infested with ABC stores. You can literally walk down one street and you will pass three or four ABC stores. Anyway, I’m in line and these two very taf* women walk in (mom and daughter), they are completely burnt. One of the side effects of being completely sunburnt is that your skin itches and peels. The daughter turns to the mom and asks her to scratch her back for her. She is wearing a bikini and tank top, so her skin is exposed. Which, not to be mean, is disgusting in itself. The mom agrees to scratch her back and it is horrid. Flakes of skin are flying everywhere, and I’m so grossed out to the point of almost gagging. At one point, the mom starts literally pulling the skin off and dropping it on the floor! It was one of those train-wrecks you just have to watch, disgusted. They are definitely the worst humans.

*Taf: Adj, fat spelled backwards

This is a map of the Waikiki area, each of those small orange dots represents an ABC store (a small convenience store with ridiculous prices)

Image Source = Google Maps


Worst Human #3

This situation also has to do with my new apartment location (See Worst Human #1). So it’s my first time having a car on campus and I have a parking spot in the lot behind my building. It was my third day at my new apartment and I got back from running errands to find a mini van parked in my spot! I called the realty company to ask if maybe the person was just parked in the wrong spot, so they took the person’s license plate information and told me that no one with that car lived here and that I’d have to have them towed. Being the caring human that I am, I waited for an hour to see if the person moved their car…they didn’t. So I call the tow truck company and they get here in like five minutes. As I creepily watch the tow truck man from my bedroom window, I see a tiny little Asian woman standing next to him waving a piece of paper around like a psychopath. I was eventually asked to join the discussion and this girl and I realized we were both assigned the same parking spot. Obvi my realty company is a bunch of dickcreams. The tow truck man left and we settled the issue with my realty company. I tried to make light of the situation since this was the first time meeting my neighbor, but all she did was inform me that she didn’t have me towed when I was parked in her spot. Fucker. My realty company and this girl, worst humans.

Worst Human #2 [Black Friday Edition]

My mom is always excited to see me around the holidays. I live one town over but my school and work schedule makes it difficult to stay connected. So when we do finally find time to meet up, my mom likes to go on adventures. In the evening of Thanksgiving this year, we found ourselves at a Walmart as part of the pre-Black Friday insanity.

My mom decided she wanted to get Brave on blu-ray for cheap, so she was willing to enter the frenzy for a movie. Initially I wasn’t going to tag along, but I found myself curious just how bad it would be. It was worse than I anticipated.

Roughly thirty minutes after the store opened we arrived to a completely full parking lot. Cars were double-parked in red zones, shittily parked so people couldn’t get in or out and there were even a few on the sidewalks. In short, zero fucks were given. Once I got inside it was just a sea of cliché Walmart shoppers. It was just everyone from the People of Walmart website at the same time (http://www.peopleofwalmart.com).

I’m usually pretty good in crowds as a frequent concertgoer, but this collection of people was unbearable. Most people either still smelled strongly of Thanksgiving food, while others just straight up smelled like stress sweat and BO. And in this smelly crowd, people just kept their eyes on whatever dumb thing they wanted and shoved through people to get to it.

I’m surprised that any Black Friday shoppers found anything they were looking for. It was clear that there was a plan in place to enable customers to find the products they wanted, but this system was destroyed by the time we got there. Employees were clearly at wit’s end from all of this. A customer wanted to know where some item was and a floor clerk said, “Girl, I don’t know where the fuck anything is anymore! Some bitch just asked me the same thing.”

My mom decided that we should get my dad Black Ops, so I was sent to wait in a line for the game case that wrapped around the electronic section. Lucky for me, right behind me in line was a very impatient woman who was clearly a Black Friday veteran. I saw her minutes before in a completely different section cutting through people with ease and snatching up movies as people were reaching for them. She came with a plan that night. Having to wait in line was not in her plan nor was it something she did well. As the line slowly moved, she tried to get on her toes and look over people to see the game case. From where we were, you could be on a ladder and still not see it, but she remained persistent. Every few minutes she’d be on the phone with the someone complaining about their respective line experience at different Walmarts. While on her phone, she seemed unable to control the four Furbys that she held in her hand. They would either rub my ass (which felt a little nice), or she would jam the corners into my back. My final experience with her before getting the game and getting the hell out of there, was when she began to have a coughing fit for no reason. I felt the hair on the back of my head move and I realized that her hands were full so there was no way that she was covering her mouth. That lady, worst human.

I call her the worst human only because I was the direct subject of her Black Friday stupidity, but the entire crowd was made of people like her. To my knowledge, no one was hurt at my local Walmart over the past few days, but it’s all still such a bummer. The Pre-Christmas shopping season is now a part of Thanksgiving Day. If this is something that remains constant and stores open earlier and earlier to outdo one another, Thanksgiving will be taken over completely. It will become a day of people decided if they are going to stay in and enjoy the Thanksgiving tradition they have created with their families, or ditch these families to a cheap TV.

No deal is worth having to put up with those shopper types, to me anyway. My mom did succeed in getting Brave, but if this text conveys her feelings at all, I don’t think she felt it was worth it either.

Worst Human #1

Hopefully I can do this situation justice. So in the town where Zach, Brian, and I went to school, there are several Walmarts.  Since I moved to a different apartment once I started grad school, I decided to visit the Walmart I had never been to before because it would be closer to my new location.  Little did I know, it was in the middle of herda-hadda-ville*.  The entire experience was like literally being in a farming town with a population of 300 people.  As I was in the checkout line, I of course started eavesdropping on the couple in front of me.  It was a man and his pregnant girlfriend.  The man was buying a short sleeve button down shirt and proceeded to explain to the cashier that he was going to be cutting off the sleeves to meet his preggo gf’s family for the first time tomorrow at their family BBQ.  He also mentioned that he had the perfect “Larry the Cable Guy” hat to match with his ensemble.  F his life, I can’t believe humans like that exist.  I feel bad for the baby in that woman’s stomach.

*herda-hadda is a term taken from Uhh Yeah Dude (uhhyeahdude.com). It’s a phrase that represents the stereotypical southern U.S. citizen*