Five New Movie Trailers!

The podcast is on hiatus. The blog writers seem to be on hiatus too. In turn, this blog has literally turned into me posting YouTube videos. But I love YouTube videos (especially movie trailers), so who cares?

Last night I watched 4 (EDIT: 5) trailers for new movies that will be released later this year. Now you can watch them, read my opinions, and see if you feel the same way!

May 10: The Great Gatsby

I read the book in high school. I hated it. This movie is directed by Baz Luhrmann (Romeo + Juliet, Moulin Rouge!, Australia). I don’t like his movies.

What I’m trying to say is that this movie is going to suck. The only saving grace is the cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Carey Mulligan, Joel Edgerton, Tobey Maguire, Isla Fisher. I like all of them, but I don’t think they have any chance of saving this movie. It looks too flashy and fake and over-the-top.

May 26: Behind the Candelabra

Directed by Steven Soderbergh and being released on HBO on a random Sunday, I’m somewhat looking forward to this.  I’m not Soderbergh’s biggest fan, but I give all of his movies a watch. I also love Matty D. He brings his A game with every movie he’s in.

September 13: Rush

Thor and Ron Howard make a racing movie? NO THANKS.

July 19: Only God Forgives

By far the greatest movie in this post and one of my most anticipated movies of the year! Nicolas Winding Refn and Ryan Gosling team up again after 2011’s Drive. Set in Bangkok, super violent, and starring the always charming Ryan Gosling, this movie is going to be nothing short of amazing.

EDIT 9:26pm: Had to add this trailer too!

August 8: Elysium

Take some District 9 and mix it together with some Matt Damon? YES YES YES

Babies at Restaurants

So, we all know that babies are annoying. But you know what is worse? The annoying baby’s parents.

I work at a restaurant, so naturally I’m bound to have to deal with a lot of random babies and their parents.

For starters, if I have a kid, you can be sure we wouldn’t go out to eat at a restaurant until he or she can behave. That child will know that crying in public just to cry is not allowed. We’ll order take out and eat at home if I just don’t feel like cooking.  And I understand, you just had a kid and need to get out of the house sometimes. 1) Don’t have a kid if you’re not prepared to give up your social life; 2) find someone to watch the child for an hour or two while you get out.

Okay, so now my kid is well behaved enough to go out, I’m not going to chop up food into bite sized pieces and put it on the TABLE! (And then leave it for the employees to clean up.) Seriously? That’s what plates are for. Or get some of those plastic disposable placemats.  Something. Don’t make some poor server have to pick up all your babies drooly grimey food pieces off the table. And the floor. And the seats. It’s disgusting. I don’t have kids because I think they’re gross, I’d have a hard enough time cleaning up after something that shared my blood, much less some strange human baby. Stop it. And if your kid makes a mess, clean up after him? Duh.

Then there are the parents who try to teach their kid to talk in public. “Grilled cheese. Can you say grilled cheese, sweetie? Grilled. Cheese. Grillllllllllllleeed cheeeeeese.” Okay, we fucking get it, you want your kid to learn how to order for itself. But your infant who can hardly even make out the words “momma” and “dada” is not going to learn it today. Be courteous of everyone who has to hear you and don’t be an annoying asshole. Save that for the privacy of your own house so as not to piss off all the people in the place.

So now your kid is too big for a high chair, so it’s free to run. Don’t let it? Inside a tiny restaurant where it is already hard enough to move around, the last thing I need is a two foot tall creature running around beneath my line of vision. Especially because I’m usually carrying something hot, heavy, or that requires balance – one little bump from a mini-human and it all goes crashing to the floor (or on your kid). On a similar note, if we are obviously busy, your two year old doesn’t need a table to itself. Don’t act annoyed when I tell your kid to move so that I can seat someone there that is actually going to make me money. Because, to be honest, you’re the one that should be telling it not to run off and play at empty tables in the first place.

I could probably go on for a while, but I’ll wrap it up there. All these things just reassure me that I don’t want children. Life is already annoying enough.

Popcorn TV is the Worst Show on Television

NO SERIOUSLY. What is up with this show?

What does “popcorn TV” even mean and why do they act like they’re going to show us funny videos and then just DON’T?!

Sorry. I’ll explain. Popcorn TV is this show that pretends to be America’s Funniest Home Videos (best) mixed with a hidden camera gags show (worst). If you’re not familiar with a little show I like to call A-F-V, I suggest you don’t even bother because YouTube is better.

I’m watching Popcorn TV as I write this because I recorded it to watch it later because I watch really bad TV even when I have the option not to.

In Popcorn TV, just like in AFV the videos are all introduced by the always morbidly unfunny host or clown or whatever, ________________. I have no idea what his name is. He’s the least memorable whatever he is that there ever was.

Remember Bob Saget’s super awkward years of hosting AFV? It seemed like he completely hated that job and that’s why he was totally the best at it. He used to read the worst jokes off the teleprompter and laugh and go “who wrote this stuff?” What’s Bob Saget doing these days? Wouldn’t it be funny if he made a home video and sent it in to AFV and they didn’t even play it because, unlike the idiot producers over at Popcorn TV, they actually watched it first and realized that Bob Saget is the dullest human being ever and no one wants to watch him eat grapes?

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Wonder Years vs. Full House: A Made-for-TV Love Affair

“Yeah, I just hit her in the face, now turn around like you didn’t see it!  This movie is airing on the Lifetime Movie Network!  No one here cares until it’s too late… NO ONE!”   I’m just assuming that’s what Kevin Arnold’s (ahem…Fred Savage’s) character is thinking right now, as he stares down his wrestling coach harder than Honey Boo Boo’s mother chugs a hotdog.

One of the best things about television is the Lifetime Movie Network.  Providing hours of entertainment about loser husbands, abusive boyfriends, and occasionally rerunning Erin Brockovich so we womenfolk feel somewhat sated in our quest for truly knowing our own power and strength.  Or… If you’re me, something to half-watch while I smoke pot, paint my nails, and laugh at the past lives of present celebrities… And vice versa.

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Hip Hop Squares

On Tuesdays at 11pm, tune in to the show that will remind you you’re living in the craziest century yet: HIP HOP SQUARES. Yes, that’s right. A spin on the once popular Hollywood Squares. You remember that show, right? It’s essentially tic-tac-toe (literal worst game ever) except in this version there’s a celebrity in each square. The celebrities get asked trivia questions and they can either give the right or wrong answer. The contestants must correctly agree or disagree with the celebrities in order to get the square.

Hip Hop Squares is ridiculous. It takes that concept and inserts hip hop stars (plus Vinny from The Jersey Shore) into the squares.

I was so taken aback when I saw this for the first time. Now I am more confused about the world than ever before. See, I had a pretty specific understanding of rap/hip-hop culture before watching this show. While the whole rap aesthetic has become crazy popular, I always understood it as still sitting on the margins of the mainstream. Well, specifically, it bothers me somewhat that Method Man takes centre square. Method Man?! He’s the equivalent to Whoopi Goldberg?!?! It’s so strange to me that rap culture—something that used to be so antiestablishment and oppositional—has become appropriated by this weird commercial game show culture.

So, my first thought was “man, Method Man is such a sell out”, but then I remembered that this happened:

Method Man raps in a Sour Patch Kids commercial.

What the fuck, Method Man? I especially love how there’s a warning before the commercial saying “May contain content inappropriate for children”. In a kids’ candy commercial.

In addition to fogging up my happy memories of listening to Wu Tang, the show features another 90s hip-hop star who shouldn’t ever show his face on TV again: Biz Markie. He is a FUCKING WHALE. Have you guys seen Biz Markie lately? I mean I know he was always fat and strange, but now he’s fatter and stranger. And all of these rap stars are basically equated with Vinny from The Jersey Shore, who, obviously, is the hero of our generation. This is all so pathetic!

I guess there’s not much point to this except to say that I miss the days when people who opposed “the system” remained outside of it. I guess it’s just a case of classic cultural appropriation. The mainstream will eat up anything that stands in its way.

Am I a hipster jackass for being upset by this? Probably. But if pointing out the absurdity of contemporary Western culture is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Best and Worst: James Bond Villains and Henchman

The 23rd official James Bond film, Skyfall, marks the 50th anniversary of the first, Dr. No. I will follow up this post with a best and worst list of Bond actors and films.  For the purposes of this article, Javier Bardem’s Raoul Silva misses the cut. Before I saw the film, his character was what I was looking forward to the most.  I left disappointed. He’s one the most accomplished actors to play a Bond Villain and I thought he did a good job acting. At the beginning of the film, I enjoyed his character a lot even though I thought his background was a little boring. Since Bardem played the role so well up to that point, it was a small concession. However, once he broke out of his prison cell, his character turned into the average villain from any typical action film; his development screeched to a halt.

Side Note: Why do villains in new movies have to be imprisoned in plastic/glass cells? Can Silva control electromagnetic fields like Magneto?

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