“Yeah, I just hit her in the face, now turn around like you didn’t see it! This movie is airing on the Lifetime Movie Network! No one here cares until it’s too late… NO ONE!” I’m just assuming that’s what Kevin Arnold’s (ahem…Fred Savage’s) character is thinking right now, as he stares down his wrestling coach harder than Honey Boo Boo’s mother chugs a hotdog.
One of the best things about television is the Lifetime Movie Network. Providing hours of entertainment about loser husbands, abusive boyfriends, and occasionally rerunning Erin Brockovich so we womenfolk feel somewhat sated in our quest for truly knowing our own power and strength. Or… If you’re me, something to half-watch while I smoke pot, paint my nails, and laugh at the past lives of present celebrities… And vice versa.
Recently, I was basking in a day of freedom and came across the 1996 movie, No One Would Tell. I’ll let TVGuide.com sum it up for you.
“A high-school wrestling champ (Fred Savage) puts the moves on a fellow student (Candace Cameron) then becomes possessive—and abusive. Sally Jesse Raphael has a cameo as a judge.” -TVGuide.com
I thought, Kevin Arnold is gonna beat the crap out of DJ Tanner? Very yes, Lifetime Movie Network… Very yes. Do not, under any circumstances, try to get your paws on this piece of shit, but if it happens to be on when you’re flipping channels sometime, this is definitely a recommended stopping point. Just watch it for 10 minutes or so, that should give you enough shots of DJ Tanner in soft lighting to jerk off to.
Also SPOTTED in this movie: Two Six Feet Under co-stars! Vanessa Diaz (Justina Machado)
…and Gabe “foot-in-my-locker” Dimas (Eric Balfour)…we all remember my favorite boyfriend of Claire’s, right?
HE HAS A GOATEE AND IS STILL HOT!